7 truths about post-baby sex no-one will tell you

So you’re thinking about having sex for first time since having your baby and your head is overflowing with anxious questions: “Will it hurt?”, “Am I ready?”, “Has my vagina changed?” You’ve given your partner the old ‘we have to wait six weeks’ excuse but time is up! Here’s the reality of what you need to expect – that the books won’t tell you…

1. It’s a bloody mess down there. Literally.
You haven’t had a period in nine months, so now your body is making up for lost time! Even after six weeks you may still be passing lochia: a messy cocktail of blood, mucus and uterine tissue. Plus there’s also a good chance your vagina hasn’t come through childbirth completely unscarred. Stitches coupled with the usual post-birth bruises and swelling may have left your pink-bits looking black and blue, and feeling even worse. My advice? Don’t rush into it…

2. You might not feel as tight
You’ve just pushed a 4kg package through of rather small hole, so there’s a chance that sex may feel like throwing a sausage down a highway. On the other hand, you may have been stitched up a little too tightly, which brings its own set of roadblocks. Talk to your doctor, do your pelvic floor exercises and love your amazing vagina!

3. Your breasts may give you a let down
Be prepared for a let down of milk from your breasts during sex, because when you get turned on, your boobs get turned on – like taps! While the ancient Egyptians may have enjoyed luxurious milk baths, you might not find it sexy to soak your bloke in lactose. But it’s worth just having a laugh and keeping baby wipes by the bed!

4. You’re rooted before getting into bed
Your new bodily functions aren’t entirely to blame for your aversion to lovemaking. There was now a passion assassin living in your home. If your bundle of joy is crying from dawn to dusk, it’s natural to be too exhausted by the end of the day to even consider a bedtime bonk. After playing ‘peek-a-boo’ all day, who can be bothered with a game of ‘hide the salami?’ Try to squeeze in weekend afternoon delight because night-time will be for sleep only!

5. You’ve now got an audience
If like many new parents, you are bunking in with your bub, you might feel awkward getting it on with someone else in the room! It won’t be shyness that stops you – you won’t want to wake your sleeping baby with a squeak of the bed or a muffled moan of pleasure. It’s just not worth the risk. You may need to get creative with locations – the couch has never looked so appealing!

6. You will be overly cautious with contraception
You’ve had nine months of not worrying about making a baby and before that you were most likely trying to conceive, but now you’ve discovered what a lack of contraception leads to (hello pregnancy, labour, birth and sleepless nights) so you’ve raised your protection to Fort Knox levels. Expect to single-handedly lift Ansell’s share prices!

7. It’s the first time… again
As your stitches dissolve, the bruises subside and you get some sleep, you could be desperately, hanging-for-a-shag horny. But as Madonna would say, you could feel like a virgin, touched for the very first time. You will be anxious about how it will go – expecting more pain than pleasure. And truth is, it may be up-and-down, so to speak, but you will get there!